The Final Straw

Surrendering to the Father's Plans

When I stopped trying to be the answer, I began hearing God’s heart. I always thought that I had to have the answers—all the answers to whatever the question—to be the answer, man. I learned a valuable lesson through my attempts and subsequent failures. I want to share the story that altered my thinking and what I learned about listening and responding to the Father’s voice. 

Crystal and I had taken a step into a realm of the Kingdom that we had only heard of before but never truly experienced or understood. The Father had been leading us all along, but it hadn’t been clear before this moment. Hindsight creates 20/20 vision—that ability to see now what we couldn’t see when we were living it. The way the Father guided me through a series of circumstances to align me with His heart was uncanny and created several lasting lessons in my life as a Christian. 

The year 1990. We were living in a capital city in the Midwest of America. We had recently left the ministry of CRU, which was then called Campus Crusade for Christ or CCC. I was traveling a bit doing worship events and writing and producing music for a local music production company when my world blew up. The church we were attending underwent a major shift in leadership; the production company I composed music for closed down, leaving me on the street hunting for any music work I could find. My life had been pretty good as a composer/arranger, and with this change, we were falling further behind in our finances. I was beginning to sweat a bit. 

My go-to question of God at the time leaned towards the negative, “What am I doing wrong, God, that I need to change?” It’s a common question that I often hear people ask. I understand where the question comes from. It’s to place us in a humble position before a living God who is sovereign. I don’t know it all. The best thing to do is assume it’s my problem, right? But this is not always the best question, so it was in this instance. During this season, I learned an irreplaceable lesson about the Father’s love of questions.

As our finances continued to deplete, I invited some friends to look at our budget and lifestyle. One was a financial advisor, another was an attorney, and the third friend was a wise counselor to many. Independently, they concurred that there was nothing they could find I was doing wrong. In fact, they were each amazed that we continued to live on what little we had. This was, in one way, convincing that I was not in the wrong, and at the same time, it was unnerving. I was hoping they would find the problem, and I would remedy the situation with a quick response. This was going to require something far deeper than surface change. 

I couldn’t find or create an answer. I was stymied. It was more like being undone. What I haven’t mentioned is that during this time, I was contacted by a pastor of a Baptist church. He was a friend, and he was sure I was to come on staff at his Baptist church to help them implement worship. There was no way I was going backward. I wasn’t going to be some monkey on display and attempt to bring worship to a group of people who didn’t understand the need for worship. I grew up Baptist. Singing was all part of setting up the sermon. I had left this function and never wanted to return to this simplistic view of worshipping God. 

I continued my journey by setting up a small production studio in our home and contacting anyone needing music for video production, commercials, or recordings. You could drive a truck through my schedule. There was nothing. To make ends meet, I took a job driving a truck for an auto parts company. I was making minimum wage driving a pick-up truck around the city, delivering auto parts to mechanics and car dealers. On my off hours, I would write music or seek out composing jobs for any amount of money they were willing to pay. We continued our downward spiral. I also received several more calls from my Baptist pastor friend. I turned him down. 

I was becoming desperate. Finances had something to do with this, but there was a growing discord in my spirit. Something was off, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I had to find the answer. Since then, I’ve learned how much of an investigator I am. I love to seek and search for the answer. In my investigations, I discovered I wasn’t letting the Father have His part. In my arrogance, I had to have the answer and find the needed response. 

Read that last line again. In my arrogance, I had to have the answers. I needed to be the answer, man, while the Father always wanted to be in partnership with me. I was living a pride-filled life, assuming that I needed to know all. I needed to find the answers. This comes from an old adage that says, “God helps those who help themselves.” I grew up with this as a child. I was assaulted with this concept throughout my youth, which provided an avenue of self-dependency I was never intended to travel. But the Father does turn all things to the good.

I don’t remember the day or date, but I do remember it was morning. I woke knowing I didn’t have to answer it all, that the Father had a bigger plan for me than I could create on my own. He was using the lack of finances and a minimum wage job to push me into a corner. The final straw was when a big music production job fell through. I had worked many hours to procure this work, and at the last minute, I was pushed out, and the job was given to another person. I was angry, hurt, and ready to toss in the towel. According to Scripture, joy comes in the morning. Try to remember that in the midst of a battle. 

That morning, when the light came on, I realized I was attempting to do this all on my own, refusing to listen to a sovereign God. I told Crystal I was sorry for not taking the worship gig at the Baptist church. Was it possible that all along the Father was planning something so unique for my life, but I was unwilling and too prideful to listen? We are now into this process of months, not weeks. The last call from the pastor was a month prior. We sat praying at our kitchen table. My spirit was no longer heavy. I had come clean with God and my family. I didn’t have the answer but turned it over to my partner – a living, loving Father. The phone rang! 

I spent just over a year at that Baptist church, releasing worship and bringing a new dimension of the Kingdom to that group of people. Several years later, after having moved to another state, this same friend contacted me. He had moved to a much larger church and asked if I would come and release worship there. 

I’m realizing right now that I never asked that pastor what was happening in his mind: what he felt and how the Father was moving in his life. That’s an example of a young man versus one who tells the story thirty years later. I want to hear his journey. Why did he keep calling me? Why didn’t he give up on me? What was the Father speaking into his life, and how did it affect it?

For God, it was never about the money or looking like I was doing the right thing. He isn’t concerned about how we look to others. The Scriptures provide plenty of examples of people who have had to go down the nonconforming pathway. He wanted me to consider that His ways are for my greatest benefit and that His plan is far better than any I can create, whether or not it looks that way on the surface.

I would have to be in your life and listen to what’s happening to understand your situation. That’s what wise and caring friends do. They listen and help bring you to a place of understanding. We all have snags in our lives from time to time. We all need answers. Some of you are struggling with a very real need right now that you haven’t been able to answer. I’m wondering if no one you’ve asked has been able to respond the way you need. It’s becoming more frustrating by the day, and your spirit is heavy.

I woke up that morning to discover I was not trusting a loving Father who wanted to be part of my journey and used my frustrated life to cause me to consider a better way—pushing me towards a turning point that ultimately brought clarity to my mind and spirit when I accepted the sovereignty of a wonderful God. Then, I could accept His path, and He opened the door again. After months of refusals, he kept the door open for me, and I stepped into His greater purpose for my life.

What path are you walking that you need to allow a supreme and loving God to enter? I was encouraged to write down this question and my answers as I journeyed this path of revelation. I would ask you to consider the same. Write down the question and begin the process of receiving the Father’s revelation. 

What caused this turning in me opened the door to understanding how much the Father loves questions.

Until next time – Happy New Year!